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Red Light District
January 27, 2005 12:41 pm ET by Kyle Whelliston
Game 042: Richmond 78, at LaSalle 71

Wednesday, January 27, 2005
Tom Gola Arena - Philadelphia, PA

Last week, I attempted an experiment I called "GameLogg™ Coverage." After a MAAC doubleheader, I posted minute-by-minute recaps of both games - the response was, well, less than evenly split. The most common hate-mail response was: "Who do you think you are, the Sports Guy or something?". The more elegant, learned respondents chimed in with variations of: "Dost thou imagine thyself as like Sir Pomeroy?" Needless to say, I get the hint.

DSC02942.jpgSo, in light of this critical failure, I'm taking the night off from recapping Wednesday's Atlantic 10 matchup between LaSalle and Richmond in order to brood. I couldn't find any human beings in the East stands of the Tom Gola Arena who wanted to volunteer, so I'm, umm, proud to have a very special guest Game Logger™ tonight. Um, yeah. Okay, Mr. Possession Arrow, take it away.

First Half

T-minus-4:23 - Alright mac, let's get the happy glad-handing [CENSORED] out of the way first. You don't like me, I don't like you. Oh, I'm ruining the [CENSORED] game, you say. Oooh, I spoil superior defensive efforts. You got a problem with me, buddy? Call the Eversan company at (800) 383-6060 and [CENSORED] all you want. They made me.

20:00 - Richmond wins the tip, so I'm on. LaSalle's basket is over there, [CENSORED]ers! Look at me! I'm all red and lit up like [CENSORED]ing Christmas! Ahh, what's the use.

17:08 - I know nobody gives a [CENSORED] what I think, but I'm rooting for the Spiders in this game. Why? Because they're wearing red uniforms, and my light is red. Get it, [CENSORED]? You know, I'm also quite a fan of Dayton too. Yeah Richmond! They're up 7-0 right now.

14:43 - [CENSORED]. LaSalle's tied it at eleven. That Stephen Smith guy is a [CENSORED] monster. I know you're all jealous of me just because I get to sit up close, I've got the best [CENSORED]ing seat in the house. Right here at halfcourt, couple feet away from the floor? Yeahhhh, that's what I'm talkin' about, [CENSORED]. Boosters pay hundreds of dollars just to sit this close. Stupid [CENSORED]s.

10:55 - C'mon Spiders! It's 24-16 now. I get a lot of bad press, people always trying to bring me down. Like that Dick Vitale guy. Blah blah blah, I penalize players for doing a great job. Blah blah, Mississippi State- Kentucky. Well, you know what? I think Dick Vitale is a fat, obnoxious [CENSORED]. How 'bout that, baby?

4:42 - Geez, LaSalle's tied it again at 32. You [CENSORED] might not care, but I have feelings. I went through a very traumatic event back when I was 17 years old, when they shut me off for a whole year and wouldn't let me watch any basketball. I just sat unplugged in a closet somewhere in the athletic department offices. It was so [CENSORED]ing horrible. When they turned me back on, I had a lot of anger management issues that I'm still working through. I just refer to 1998-99 as "The Dark Time."

Plus, I was really stigmatized as a youngster for having to wear a weird name tag everywhere I go. Really, what does that mean, "POSS."? How would you feel if you had to go around with "STEP." or "JOH." tattooed to your [CENSORED]ing chest?

2:50 - Okay, here comes the run, Spiders by five. Go! Go! Go! [CENSORED]! Yeah, Jermaine Bucknor! Good shot! You know, I may act all tough, but I have a tender side too. When I'm sitting here by myself, I look up at Shot Clock. It's so complex, so ever-changing. Shot Clock has so much more of an impact on the game than I do, and I find it intriguing. I wrote a poem. Would you like to hear it?

L is for the love that blossoms in the coldest midwinter chill,
E is for the ecstasy I feel when I bathe in your soft glow,
D is my despair, we will never be together -
Never, never, never be together.
I weep until I short myself out.

What's that? He's a guy too, you say? You [CENSORED]ing idiot, we're all 100% hermaphroditic. Plus, Shot Clock is digital and I'm analog. I'm well aware that it would never work between us. Just leave me the [CENSORED] alone so I can be a tragic romantic hero. Shot Clock likes hanging out with Game Clock too much anyway. [CENSORED] tramp.

Second Half

20:00 - Halftime. I'm about to have my switch flipped, hold on a second. Ohhhhhhhhhh, that feels so [CENSORED] good. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeah. I was getting a little knotted up there, it gets tough sometimes when I'm stuck pointing in one direction for long periods of time.

12:46 - C'mon, what's that [CENSORED] about? LaSalle's up by eight again, 54-46. You know, I may look like an idiot, but I know some things. I'm 24 years old, and I live at [CENSORED]ing college. I'm quite the philosopher. You wanna talk about [CENSORED] justice and fairness? Who are you gonna trust in a tight spot, an official's wobbly arm or good ol' solid state technology? Yeah, I [CENSORED] thought so.

8:30 - LaSalle's holding on to the lead, it's 66-59. I'm just sittin' over here, not doin' anything... just... sittin'... hmmmm, hmmm. Umm, guys? Hello? Remember me? Your old buddy Possession Arrow? If you, um, need me or anything, I'm over here, just sitting... here.

1:36 - 71-70, LaSalle. Ooh, ooh, there's a tie-up! Switch me, switch me! C'mon, pleeeease! Oh [CENSORED], it's just a foul. I guess it's cool that they're leaving me alone, I can just watch the game in peace. But I have to admit that it gets a little bit lonely. Sometimes I try to talk to the players while they're checking in, but they don't listen.

0:00 - YEAH [CENSORED]! WHOOOOOOO! Game's over, Richmond scored a bunch of free throws to pull away. The officials are now gathering around me to certify the game stats. Wow, a lot of Spiders were in double figures - like, five or something. That Smith guy had 19.

Hey, thanks for taking time to notice me and listen to what I have to say, come by and pay me a visit next time you're at a game. They're about to switch me off now. Okay, bye.

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