22 Teams That Can Beat The Hartford Hawks

Game 027: at Boston University 73, Hartford 22
Thursday, January 6, 2005
Case Gymnasium - Boston, Massachusetts

1. Boston University Terriers - The top defensive team in the America East, and the only squad on this list that has actually beaten the Hartford Hawks within the past 24 hours.

2. Longwood Lancers - This provisional Division I team lost to the Hartford Hawks by five on Tuesday and should grab the nearest microphone and demand a rematch, all WWF-style.

3. William & Mary Tribe - The Colonial Athletic Association's ashtray beat the Hartford Hawks by 13 back in November, and could likely do it again at 3 a.m. stoned on NyQuil.

4. 1961-62 Hartford Hawks - Even though most of them are around 60 years old now, it would be a close one: they put up 26 against Northeastern that season.

5. Harlem Globetrotters - The World Of Fun tour will roll through the Hartford Civic Center (a/k/a "The Mall") on February 11, which just so happens to be an open date before a home game for the Hartford Hawks.

6. Stony Brook Seawolves - February 12.

7. Washington Generals - They've been disbanded since 1995, but the opportunity to get their second win ever at the expense of the Hartford Hawks might spur a reunion.

8. New York Nationals - The Trotters' current touring palookas.

9. New York Knicks - They're another crap team who hasn't won for a while, so the Hartford Hawks could provide a sorely needed cheap "W".

10. Philadelphia Kixx - Yeah, so they play indoor soccer. Wouldn't they enjoy using their hands for a change?

11. Philadelphia University Rams (Division II) - They're one of the top D2 programs in the land, but they lost all their juice by losing to the University of Bridgeport a month ago. So they'd be playing with a huge anti-Connecticut chip on their shoulders when facing the Hartford Hawks.

12. The Cast Of "Rambo: The Musical" - This is the part of the list where I check to see if you're still paying attention.

13. Musical Youth - It's been 22 years since this English/Jamaican quintet had their huge international hit with "Pass The Dutchie," and I'm guessing they could ball a little in their mid-thirties - enough to beat the Hartford Hawks. That is, if they haven't ingested too much, ummm, "dutchie."

14. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch - It's easy to forget that there were five of them. Feel the vibration!

15. Mark Eaton - I don't care if he's ten years out of the Association. He's still 7'3", and he could take on the undersized Hartford Hawks by his lonesome.

16. Godzilla, Mothra, Megalon, Ghidorah and Gamera - Come to think of it, they could probably beat Illinois too. Never mind.

17. Panasonic Super Kangaroos - I never dreamed that I'd be able to manage two references to this Japanese powerhouse into TMM in one season. They could beat the Hartford Hawks, no problem.

18. The four Iron Chefs, plus Bobby Flay - Even away from Kitchen Stadium, it's a formidable lineup.

19. The Cast of "The View" - Title IX requires me to add a women's team to this list. Memo to the Hartford Hawks: When Star Jones drives the lane, get the f*** out of the way.

20. Jeopardy! Ultimate Champions - I'm sure Ken Jennings has a little point guard in him, and that Frank Spangenberg sure had a killer instinct.

21. Basketblogger Ultimate Champions - If John Gasaway, Chris Courogen, Ken Pomeroy and the Hoops Junkie can't outplay the Hartford Hawks, they could definitely type and hyperlink them into submission. I'll run around and set picks while Coach Cohen barks signals.

22. Five Hand-Selected Members Of The 147-Member Paid Attendance - I know the announced figure was 276, but I counted... and even counted again so that I didn't mistakenly add any bundled-up coats to the total. The eight-year-old kid who won the "Dress Like A Terrier" contest at halftime had a decent shooting touch, and his single made shot matched the Hartford Hawks' output for the last 12 minutes of the game. And he had to trip over an oversized uniform and sneakers.

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