In February 2008, in the heart of The Mid-Majority's Season 4, Footbally escaped the Super Bowl Party of Death and re-materialized in the Arena Football League. Nobody was really sure how it happened, what kind of time/space/dimensional rip he had fallen into, but the point was that he had been banished to a cyber-vortex. You might think that's really cool, but it's not.
Footbally was still able to maintain his legacy of pure evil. And when I say pure evil, I mean just sitting there and spouting point spreads from American-Style Football games.
But then something very strange happened. As part of the ongoing implosion of the Sports Bubble, the Arena Football League folded. Not only were the Philadelphia Soul amberfixed as the league's eternal champions, but Footbally was free from his metaphysical shackles. He transmetaporphapothesized into a formless shape, floating in the ether of the sports world. The only thing intact were his eyes (which began glowing insistently white) and those terrible, horrible teeth.
In the summer of 2009, Footbally spent the entire summer in the echoless void, channeling NFL Network reruns of four year-old regular season games and listening to John Facenda books-on-tape. His powers were growing, and disturbances in the universe were evident. The question was no longer when he was going to return (although that was a question), it was how and where. Humanity's only weapon was denial.
And on Monday, September 14, 2009, on the first weekend of the National Football League season, Footbally manifested himself in the real world, in Pawtucket, Rhode Island, United States. He seemed to have timed his re-entry into this dimension to coincide with a "Monday Night Football" doubleheader, for whatever reason. Footbally made himself visible in the home of Kyle Whelliston and Bally B. Basketball, the very ones that he had terrorized all those many ages ago.
Footbally's primary motive was clear: revenge. His secondary motive was clear, as well: hunger. After spending nearly a year as a sub-apparition, he immediately broke into my cabinet and ate all my "Last Call Jalapeno Popper" Doritos.
This is my story, I am this Kyle Whelliston that I speak of. I know now that my mission is to rid my household of this Footbally menace, and I must do this as soon as possible. I need your help.
I need you to take Footbally off my hands. Please make me an offer in trade. I will accept money, but money is boring. Besides, the very idea of Footbally having a cash value chills me to my white blood cells. Better to offer me an actual thing or collection of stuff. This is a silent auction, but I will determine the best offer by way of the same value measurement methodology used on "The Price Is Right." At the close of this contest, you must actually send the entirety of your offer to me, by post or online means. That is only one of two rules.
The other is that you must already own a Bally. The only thing we truly know about keeping the Footbally menace in check is that Bally was able to rip a hole in the universe with his Ridiculously Huge Machete and push Footbally in. If Footbally were to go to a non-Bally household, it might lead to such evil as the reformation of the USFL and a complete takeover of the ESPN family of networks by dickhead American-style Football analysts. On second thought, it may already be too late.
The contest is now closed.
Congratulations to former Atlantic Sun track & field athlete of the week
Pierce Greenberg, who took home Footbally with the following offer:
- One (1) 100% cotton Belmont T&F Shirt
- One (1) Labrador Outdoor battery operated hand-warmer
- One (1) 2010 Moleskine pocket calendar
- One (1) Charlie T. Riverdog (Charleston Riverdogs mascot) plush toy
- One (1) AT&T Samsung Jack cell phone (new in box)
Thanks to everybody who entered. I have a feeling that defeating the Footbally Menace is not over yet, though... this seemed too easy